


One Fine Day in Zhaö

by Island_of_Reil



Category: The Goblin Emperor - Katherine Addison
Genre: Bad Puns, Double Entendre, Gen, We Are Twelve Years Old
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-13
Updated: 2017-02-13
Packaged: 2018-09-23 22:50:29
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 907
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9685343
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Island_of_Reil/pseuds/Island_of_Reil
Summary: Three men in a tavern have drinks and a perfectly innocent conversation.





	

It was a pleasant-enough spring day in Zhaö. Penis Crobar was striding into his favorite tavern when he spotted his friend Testis Fubar in a booth, having a drink with a stranger.

“Testis!” he ejaculated. “Where’s thy twin brother, Orchis? I usually see him hanging around thee.”

Testis, a rather wrinkly fellow with an unusual amount of facial hair for an elf, frowned. “Orchis is feeling rather out of sorts today. One could even say… blue. Art feeling well thyself? Thou seemest rather stiff.”

“I feel as well as ever!” Penis ejaculated afresh as he stood more erect. “Who’s thy friend, Testis?”

“Ah, my apologies. Clitoris, this is Mer Penis Crobar. Penis, this is Mer Clitoris Handelbar.”

Penis frowned. “You pronounce your given name the Barizheise way, then, Mer Handelbar?”

“Yes,” the stranger said, rising. He wore a cape with a hood, which was drawn up. “ _Cli-_ tor-is. Not Cli- _tor_ -is. Our mother was a goblin. Forgive us for asking, but we notice you have only one eye. Did you lose it in an accident?”

“Ah, no,” Penis said. “We were born with one eye. It has always served us well enough, however.”

“So,” Testis said, “wilt lower thyself to have a drink with us, Penis?”

“Of course,” Penis said, sliding smoothly into the booth. Then he called out in the direction of the bar: “Libido!”

The barmaid walked slinkily over to them. “Why, hello there, Penis,” she said, rubbing his shiny pink head, which was completely bald. “Thou hast not entered our vestibule in quite a while.”

Penis chucked her under the chin. “Hello, my dear. Where’s thy fair colleague Asbo?”

Libido rolled her eyes. “Looking for a new job. She started yet another brawl two weeks ago, and it ended with eight men in the charity hospital. As laid-back as Coma is, he decided he finally had to let her go.”

“Oh, that Asbo.” Penis shook his head. “Couldst bring us a round of metheglin, dearest? It’s on me today, lads.”

“Oh, how dost like to spend, Penis,” Testis chided him. “Art not a young man any longer; canst not spend like thou once didst.”

“Well, it is very kind of thy friend to spend so for a complete stranger,” Clitoris said amiably as Libido sashayed away.

“So, your mother was Barizheise?” Penis asked Clitoris. “We are sorry to hear she has passed.”

Clitoris waved his hand. “Ah, it was many years ago, but we thank you. Yes, we are of mixed blood. Our mother was of the Edema family; perhaps you’ve heard of them?”

“Indeed we have!” Penis ejaculated very loudly, drooling a bit.

“Control thyself, Penis,” Testis admonished him. “Thy veins are standing out.”

Penis shrank a little in his seat and wiped his mouth with a napkin. “Forgive us, Mer Handelbar, we do get excited sometimes. But, yes, the Edema family. Over the last decade or so they’ve become a very large clan, have they not?”

“Yes,” Clitoris said, “the ranks of the Edema have swollen quite a bit.”

“Judging by your fine clothing, you must be one of their most prominent members,” Penis observed.

Clitoris blushed, his head withdrawing into the hood of his cloak. “Well,” he chuckled. “Our name is not unknown in these parts.”

“His schedule is quite busy,” Testis asserted. “Clitoris can be very hard to find. But, of course, it is always worth the effort to find him.”

“What keeps you so busy, if we may ask?” Penis probed.

“We are a junior barrister,” Clitoris said. “At the moment, we are drawing up marriage contracts for a young couple from two other well-known families: the Samovada and the Nondarikrema.”

“Ah!” Penis ejaculated, although with much less force than before. “So Kona Samovar is finally to be married?”

“Indeed, he is,” Clitoris said. “He intends to plight his troth to Min Capuchino Nondarikrema.”

“We can see why,” Penis leered. “That goblin girl has quite a bit of body, if you take the thrust of our words. Just the thing for a robust young man like Kona. Obviously, he likes his women the way he likes his —” Testis elbowed him in the side.

“Thus,” Clitoris went on as if Penis had not inserted his lewd thoughts into the conversation, “their esteemed fathers, Mer Barista Samovar and Mer Tarrazhu Nondarikrema, have asked me to draw up the paperwork.”

Libido returned with their glasses of metheglin. Penis grinned at her and slipped a few gold coins into her cleavage. As she undulated off to service other patrons, he raised his glass. “To your clients, Mer Handelbar! May their bloodlines blend well, and may their union be smooth and never bitter.” Clitoris and Testis raised their glasses as well.

It was not long after that Clitoris began to rise. “Pardon us, fellows, but as we said, we do have a busy schedule. We have a meeting in half an hour to discuss matters pertaining to the Zhaö sewer system.”

“How exciting,” Penis said rather limply. “Are you meeting with someone on the city council?”

“Yes, the sewage treatment engineer, Mer Colitis Hershibar, and his associate, Mer Enuresis Cathetar.”

“We hope it runs well for you,” Penis said.

“Thank you,” Clitoris replied. “It was a pleasure to meet you, Mer Crobar, and we hope we shall see you again.”

“Indeed,” Penis said, “we enjoyed meeting you as well, Mer Handelbar, and we look forward to further occasions of social intercourse with you.”

**Author's Note:**

> I blame [farevenasdecidedtouse](http://archiveofourown.org/users/farevenasdecidedtouse/) and [airotkiv](http://archiveofourown.org/users/airotkiv/) for encouraging me.


End file.
